Death is a subject that is evaded, ignored, and denied in our youth-oriented society. Well-meaning parents and others want to keep this reality from children, especially. Parental over-protection “robs a child of the opportunity to develop coping skills for handling loss.” Children are not as fragile as we expect. They may ask uncomfortable questions, or adults may feel unprepared to talk about a subject they know little about, and offer empty euphemisms instead.
Young children can understand separation, like peek-a-boo, as in here and not here. Later, as they progress in their development, children use their imaginations and may think of death as temporary, since their games view it that way, “Bang, bang, you’re dead. Now get up.” By school age, children can appreciate that death is final, personal, and inevitable.
With that in mind, let me offer several tips for helping children understand death and life cycles:
- Teach about animals (pets) and plants, as observed in daily life. There should be ample opportunities to show that things are temporary.
- Listen and be open to their questions about death, even if you don’t know all the answers. In any case, teach them not to fear it by anticipating and reading helpful books before a crisis.
- Give accurate information without hesitation. “Grandma’s heart stopped beating.” Children have curiosity and also powers of observation.
- Be honest—even with preschoolers, which builds trust. “They need knowledge of significant events in their lives.”
- Ask what they are wanting to know, not assume that they need extensive explanations. Answer only what they ask.
- Let them have their own feelings. Don’t say, “You shouldn’t say that.”
- Avoid euphemisms; instead say, “died.” Other expressions may create confusion, like“lost,” for instance.
- Don’t equate death with a long sleep. A child may have apprehension around the times of rest he takes.
- Talk frankly about serious illness. If a loved one is terminal, discuss how some diseases prevent the body from working effectively. Mention the treatment offered and chances of recovery, keeping in mind that prayer is important and scientists are trying to find cures for many diseases. Stress that everything will be done to help their loved one be comfortable.
- If a dying person is a parent, the surviving parent should reassure the child that he/she will probably live until he/she is old and the child will not be abandoned, but cared for.
- Expose a child to a dying person with guidance and support. The dying person can minister to loved ones and farewells can be said.
- A child should be given the option of attending funerals, but encouraged to participate in such family rituals and traditions so that he doesn’t feel isolated or burdened by unexpressed grief. It will help communicate fact and feeling to him and answer questions about where the body has gone.
- Don’t say, “God needed her, wanted him…” This may seem like a threat to a child, who will, in turn, hate a Being who could appear so uncaring. Assure the child that God is sad when tragedies occur, and He will help us through it.
- Don’t set limits on grieving. Give permission for the child to talk out feelings of fear, anger, loneliness, and guilt. Irrational guilt feelings my surface because the child had bad thoughts toward a loved one. Reassure her that she didn’t cause the death or could have stopped what happened.
- Give affection in physical and nonverbal ways, offering comfort.
- Let the child see your grief, and remind him that you won’t always feel bad. Maintain family routines as much as possible, as it helps establish a secure atmosphere.
- Don’t use a child as a parent replacement for a lost spouse. Statements like, “now you’re the man of the house,” only serve to rob the child of a childhood. It is inappropriate to assign this role, regardless of age.
- Encourage the telling of good memories and reminiscing about special qualities of the one who’s died. Also, encourage writing letters or drawing pictures to the loved one, God, or survivors, as it provides an outlet to emotional hurts and moves one into healing.
- Remind each other how your loved one doesn’t hurt or feel sad anymore. Though you miss her and her body is in the ground, who she really is, is alive with God.
- Read about heaven in the Bible and the fulfillment of God’s plan for all who love and trust Him. Talk about God, His character and times in the Bible when He cared for others, especially the helpless. Ask Him for understanding and wisdom when responding to your child’s questions about death.
In review, the parent who listens, answers questions simply and adequately, and leaves room for the child to express concerns without moralizing, is establishing a pattern of honesty and openness that can build a bridge for a lifetime. In addition, this practice can ease the pain by strengthening bonds with others. A parent’s attitude in times of grief is the most important influence on your child. Your conscious and unconscious feelings are quickly sensed and assimilated by your child. For a Christ follower, prayer, praise and thanksgiving, along with transparent confession, have a healing power on heart and mind. The Christian belief in a sovereign God who gives life and redeems it, can reaffirm the goodness and mercy of God when others despair.
“Understanding what death is and learning to face it is one of the most important things we must learn and teach our children. Knowing that death is a door to eternal life gives courage and assurance in this life, placing confidence in a God who, at the end of this life, opens His arms to receive us in His embrace creates longing, not fear.
